What does it take to be a great character? You have to be original, or at least really, really sexy. Being funny helps. And you have to have appeared on television or in a movie within the last fifty years or so. Keeping all that in mind, here are the best characters ... ever!
 10. (tied) Bill Brasky (Saturday Night Live)
"Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it! To Bill Brasky!" Brasky, hero to a group of alcohol-sodden, borderline-retarded salesmen, might be the funniest SNL character ever, even though he only appears on-screen for less than 10 seconds.
Mitigating Factor: Can we trust these whiskey-addled salesmen's claims about their hero? "Every morning, I crap the bed!" Will Ferrell reveals. Probably not.
Quote: "The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky. Except for the parts about planting apple trees and not raping men."
 10. (tied) Chris Parker (Adventures in Babysitting)
Here's how it was in 1987. If you were a 10 year-old girl, you wanted to be Chris Parker. If you were a 10 year-old boy, you wanted to be babysat by her. And you vaguely had the sense that you wanted to sleep with her, but you weren't sure what that meant yet. Chris had moxie, as she hauled a couple kids through some big-city adventures with subway Crips, carjackers and an insistent blues club MC.
Mitigating Factor: Elisabeth Shue did not, repeat, did not, get naked for this role.
Quote: "Don't fuck with the babysitter!"
 9. Hank Scorpio (The Simpsons)
Founder of the Globex Corporation, Scorpio is an aspiring evil dictator in the Tony Robbins mold. Sure, he might have to smite France with a laser to achieve his objectives, but he can proudly boast that his office doesn't have any walls. And don't call him "boss," he doesn't like that word.
Mitigating Factor: Only appeared in one episode.
Quote: "Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet, there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I! Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?"
 8. Fast Eddie Felson (The Hustler)
The epitome of pool-hall cool. They tried to make Tom Cruise into the next Fast Eddie in "The Color of Money," but, cool as Cruise is, he couldn't hold a cue stick to Paul Newman's screen presence.
Mitigating Factor: Newman played a sadder, older "Felson" character in "Money." He was sad and old.
Quote: "I'm gonna beat you, fat man!"
 7. Cosmo Kramer (Seinfeld)
It's trendy to claim that George Costanza was the funniest character on Seinfeld. Please. George had his moments, but Kramer was the krazy glue that held the whole thing together. Forget goofy entrances; we liked his ridiculous subplots. Kramer as underwear model. Kramer switches personalities with Jerry. Kramer houses Japanese businessmen in an oversize dresser.
Mitigating Factor: Stanley Spadowski may have been funnier.
Quote: "Newman, you magnificent bastard, you did it!"
 6. Trinity (The Matrix)
She got The Matrix off to a tremendous start, kicking the snot out of about 12 local cops before jumping back into a telephone just in the nick of time. And she wears a leather catsuit for a good portion of the rest of the film. Yes, that's right. A leather catsuit.
Mitigating Factor: She looked a little grungy in her real-world getup. And she was secretly in love with that dope Keanu.
Quote: "Dodge this."
 5. Dex (The Tao of Steve)
This fat-ass is smoother with women than you will ever be. How does he do it? By tapping into the essential nature of cool dudes Steve Austin, Steve McQueen and Steve McGarret. Ultimately, Dex meets a woman immune to his Steve antics, and he falls in love with her. Here the movie faces a crossroads, but wisely chooses the rare path of the Romantic Comedy That Doesn't Suck.
Mitigating Factor: Perhaps one too many grody sex scenes with the even-more-overweight-than-usual Donal Logue humping random girls. Thankfully, he always wears a shirt.
Quote: "I lied about being the outdoor type."
 4. Max Fisher (Rushmore)
How did a high school drama nerd make the top five? Well, Max isn't your run of the mill dork. He's fearless. He's ambitious. He's also obsessive and scattered at the same time. He's an inspiration to people that start lots of little projects but never finish them. Personality-wise, he could be first cousins with Dignan from director Wes Anderson's first movie, Bottle Rocket.
Mitigating Factor: Jason Schwartzman followed up this awesome character with a truly annoying turn as Ethan in Slackers.
Quote: "You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it."
 3. Ash (Army of Darkness)
The king of the one-liner, Ash lords over Army of Darkness with a mechanical fist. Haven't seen Army of Darkness? Please go rent it immediately before continuing with this column. Seen it? Good, now we can talk. Actually, there's not much else to say, except to reiterate that Army is near cinematic perfection, thanks largely to Bruce Campbell's wisecracking, zombie-killing Ash.
Mitigating Factor: Despite his virtuoso performance here, Campbell was overlooked for Army-inspired movies like The Mummy and Blade.
Quote: "Uh, aisle 3, housewares. Shop smart, shop S-Mart!"
 2. Linda Barrett (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)
Played by the transcendent Phoebe Cates, Linda is a high school boy's dream girl. (Although she specifically avoids high school boys in the movie). She's sexually active, she's gorgeous and she gives another character a blowjob lesson. And she takes her top off, in a masturbation fantasy scene that still makes us embarassed for Judge Reinhold (Is it Judd or Judge? What the eff?). Plus, she's ballsy enough to stand up for her friend Stacy when the poor girl is stiffed by the sleaze who gets her pregnant.
Mitigating Factor: Kevin Kline married Cates in 1989 and immediately locked her in a closet for the rest of her life.
Quote: "That's pretty good for a high school boy!"
 1. Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)
Even taking into account the last few seasons, during which Homer's behavior has degenerated from dumb and silly to bizarre for the sake of bizarre, the Simpsons' dad has consistently been the funniest, most original figure in pop culture. Check out seasons three through about ten for prime time Homer.
Mitigating Factor: That episode where he falls into the hidden jockey world ... you know the one.
Quote: "Couldn't hurt ... unless the monkeys started hurting people ... which they almost certainly would."
Honorable Mentions:
Alex (A Clockwork Orange)
Candy Kendall (The Cider House Rules)
Blondie (The Good, The Bad and The Ugly)
Comic Book Store Guy (The Simpsons)
Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction)
Cartman (South Park)
Email me with further suggestions.
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